I sit here on this Sunday evening reflecting on my life. I've been asked more times than not why I have not settled down or when am I going to find a boyfriend. I've been told to join Match.com by family including my 10 year old daughter. I generally just laugh it off, saying something like I'm good. I don't need a boyfriend. I have enough stuff going on in my life, why would I want to add more stress.
So after a long conversation with a friend I have come to realize that I am still broken. I didn't heal myself from my first and only relationship that failed terribly. Before I get into those yucky details I do know that it wasn't a complete failure because I gained 3 beautiful, healthy, charismatic children and a ton of knowledge about myself and what I need. However those things do not help me in the areas I'm struggling in.
For 10 years on and off I personally broke myself down. I was young and immature and naive. I live in a world where there is a Prince Charming out there for every female. That every person on this earth has a soul mate, an imperfectly perfect match for them. I refuse to believe that we just end up with whatever is convenient and that's all we get. That the idea of a 50 year marriage couldn't happen. I craved this idea of a "perfect" relationship with a man who was not "perfect" for me. At 17 I thought, "Yes, we will ALWAYS be together and we will get married and have babies and life will be wonderful because He is with me." Low and behold that is not how it went down. After many ups and many downs it ended. Before the final ending of our love story we had a not so healthy relationship. Multiple break ups and make ups, a lot of lies and hidden agendas on both ends. I held on to a LOT of hate and resentment, up until the day I decided I was done. My happiness meant more than anything this toxic relationship was bringing me.
So while I have found my happiness back, I have lost my hope for the "fairy tale". I know life isn't a fairy tale and that relationships are work but I still believe there is a soul mate for everyone. However I feel like I've lost my chance at finding that soul mate.
I keep myself so guarded so that I don't have to go through that terrible heartache again. I don't put myself out there because I'd rather teach my girls to be strong and independent than parade different guys around and risk heartbreak and be broken in front of them. I am that mom that thinks if I don't show them my heartache they will not do the things I have done and be better than me. I am no angel and I have made some seriously bad decisions in my life and if I can keep my kids from doing some of the things I have done then I will have done my job.
BUT...if I keep this wall up I will miss out on the ONE thing I preach about regularly... LOVE!!! There is so much ugly in the world and the only thing that masks the ugly is LOVE!!! I want that love that consumes you. That even on the ugly days it still finds a way to bring out some beauty. I want the stuff in the fairy tales, the stuff that hopes and dreams are made of. I want to spend my life cherishing a husband that cherishes me! I have unconditional love from my children, the love that is unwavering and undeniable, but I NEED that love that is just RAW and NATURAL. That love that just happens...it just one day is there without even realizing it, its crept up and pulled you into its whirlwind! THAT is what life is about!!!
We spend all of this time playing these games so that we don't get hurt or staying in relationships because we have made babies and "want to make it work". I have realized that if you can't be happy and have that love then it's not worth it. Staying in a relationship because of convenience is like sitting on death row. There is nothing to look forward to, there are no really good highs just a life of okay moments and mediocre memories. I want to have my best friend with me by my side when I experience a really good high not just the convenient person.
Blah I'm rambling, but I feel better!!
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