In the past four years I have learned that being true to me is the only thing that ever matters. Holding in feelings whether good or bad is NOT good for me. This in turn puts me in very vulnerable situations which I DO NOT like but have gotten used to. I've seen death one to many times and I've seen broken love and lost hope, I suppose because of this I have become this way. My desire for true love is still as strong as ever but the walls I put up seem to be even stronger.
My life revolves around my three children. I have accepted the excuse that I am just too busy to worry about what's next for me because I am too busy worrying about what is next for them. "When the kids get older and don't need me so much then I will worry about myself!" These are words I have said many of times.
I realize that is all just an excuse to not put myself out there and to not have to bother with the potential of being hurt, BUT I have just seen too much and been through too much to truly want to put myself out there. I am not a bitter shrew. I do not HATE my ex. I do not harp on the things that he does. But we went through a LOT! I am still picking up the broken pieces of that relationship, years later.
My main concern is not what I've seen and what I have been through though, it is what my children have seen and what they have been through, specifically Aaliyah.
Aaliyah, my sensitive, kindhearted, mild mannered, well rounded beauty. This poor baby has grown up with her mama. She has seen so many things and has heard so many things, that my fear of relationships has become so strong. I don't know what all goes through her head when she looks at Me and I pray its good things but I worry there's blame and hurt inside of her.
We tried not to fight/argue in front of our kids but we did maybe a handful of times. We mostly kept it to ourselves but I am so emotional, I always have been and always will be. So with that said she has seen me cry more times than anyone else in this world. I've cried tears right on her little baby body over many different things and a ton were caused from hurt in my relationship. I know that it has to have affected her some how and that terrifies me. I do not want my kids to be broken before they even get started. Especially not because of my poor decisions and bad choices.
If I stop and think about everything she has seen because of things outside of her control I could vomit. No one truly knows what I have been through and NO, I do NOT want a pity party, I do NOT want blame to be placed on the other party, and I do NOT want to run his name through the mud! I DO however want to run my name through the muddiest of puddles and blame myself for every ounce of hurt I have caused my babies. I made so many mistakes. I know "I am only human", "its what you've learned that matters", "you can't dwell on the past"...all of these things are things I know but FLUCK!!! Had I just let go the first time...the second time...the 20th time, maybe just maybe my kids wouldn't have seen so much hurt. Maybe if I would have known my worth I wouldn't be picking up the pieces still. Maybe had I listened I wouldn't be so devastated today about the consequences of my actions. Kids are so resilient and innocent and precious. They look for the love in EVERY thing and when its not given to them it puts little cracks in their hearts. I have given them cracked foundations and I don't know how to fix it.
Why didn't I know then what I know now?? Why didn't I just listen??
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