I'm just being Honest...

In the past four years I have learned that being true to me is the only thing that ever matters. Holding in feelings whether good or bad is NOT good for me. This in turn puts me in very vulnerable situations which I DO NOT like but have gotten used to. I've seen death one to many times and I've seen broken love and lost hope, I suppose because of this I have become this way. My desire for true love is still as strong as ever but the walls I put up seem to be even stronger.

My life revolves around my three children. I have accepted the excuse that I am just too busy to worry about what's next for me because I am too busy worrying about what is next for them. "When the kids get older and don't need me so much then I will worry about myself!" These are words I have said many of times.

I realize that is all just an excuse to not put myself out there and to not have to bother with the potential of being hurt, BUT I have just seen too much and been through too much to truly want to put myself out there. I am not a bitter shrew. I do not HATE my ex. I do not harp on the things that he does. But we went through a LOT! I am still picking up the broken pieces of that relationship, years later.

My main concern is not what I've seen and what I have been through though, it is what my children have seen and what they have been through, specifically Aaliyah.

Aaliyah, my sensitive, kindhearted, mild mannered, well rounded beauty. This poor baby has grown up with her mama. She has seen so many things and has heard so many things, that my fear of relationships has become so strong. I don't know what all goes through her head when she looks at Me and I pray its good things but I worry there's blame and hurt inside of her.

We tried not to fight/argue in front of our kids but we did maybe a handful of times. We mostly kept it to ourselves but I am so emotional, I always have been and always will be. So with that said she has seen me cry more times than anyone else in this world. I've cried tears right on her little baby body over many different things and a ton were caused from hurt in my relationship. I know that it has to have affected her some how and that terrifies me. I do not want my kids to be broken before they even get started. Especially not because of my poor decisions and bad choices.

If I stop and think about everything she has seen because of things outside of her control I could vomit. No one truly knows what I have been through and NO, I do NOT want a pity party, I do NOT want blame to be placed on the other party, and I do NOT want to run his name through the mud! I DO however want to run my name through the muddiest of puddles and blame myself for every ounce of hurt I have caused my babies. I made so many mistakes. I know "I am only human", "its what you've learned that matters", "you can't dwell on the past"...all of these things are things I know but FLUCK!!! Had I just let go the first time...the second time...the 20th time, maybe just maybe my kids wouldn't have seen so much hurt. Maybe if I would have known my worth I wouldn't be picking up the pieces still. Maybe had I listened I wouldn't be so devastated today about the consequences of my actions. Kids are so resilient and innocent and precious. They look for the love in EVERY thing and when its not given to them it puts little cracks in their hearts. I have given them cracked foundations and I don't know how to fix it.

Why didn't I know then what I know now?? Why didn't I just listen??

Raw: Love and Loss

I sit here on this Sunday evening reflecting on my life. I've been asked more times than not why I have not settled down or when am I going to find a boyfriend. I've been told to join Match.com by family including my 10 year old daughter. I generally just laugh it off, saying something like I'm good. I don't need a boyfriend. I have enough stuff going on in my life, why would I want to add more stress.

So after a long conversation with a friend I have come to realize that I am still broken. I didn't heal myself from my first and only relationship that failed terribly. Before I get into those yucky details I do know that it wasn't a complete failure because I gained 3 beautiful, healthy, charismatic children and a ton of knowledge about myself and what I need. However those things do not help me in the areas I'm struggling in.

For 10 years on and off I personally broke myself down. I was young and immature and naive. I live in a world where there is a Prince Charming out there for every female. That every person on this earth has a soul mate, an imperfectly perfect match for them. I refuse to believe that we just end up with whatever is convenient and that's all we get. That the idea of a 50 year marriage couldn't happen. I craved this idea of a "perfect" relationship with a man who was not "perfect" for me. At 17 I thought, "Yes, we will ALWAYS be together and we will get married and have babies and life will be wonderful because He is with me." Low and behold that is not how it went down. After many ups and many downs it ended. Before the final ending of our love story we had a not so healthy relationship. Multiple break ups and make ups, a lot of lies and hidden agendas on both ends. I held on to a LOT of hate and resentment, up until the day I decided I was done. My happiness meant more than anything this toxic relationship was bringing me.

So while I have found my happiness back, I have lost my hope for the "fairy tale". I know life isn't a fairy tale and that relationships are work but I still believe there is a soul mate for everyone. However I feel like I've lost my chance at finding that soul mate.

I keep myself so guarded so that I don't have to go through that terrible heartache again. I don't put myself out there because I'd rather teach my girls to be strong and independent than parade different guys around and risk heartbreak and be broken in front of them. I am that mom that thinks if I don't show them my heartache they will not do the things I have done and be better than me. I am no angel and I have made some seriously bad decisions in my life and if I can keep my kids from doing some of the things I have done then I will have done my job.

BUT...if I keep this wall up I will miss out on the ONE thing I preach about regularly... LOVE!!! There is so much ugly in the world and the only thing that masks the ugly is LOVE!!! I want that love that consumes you. That even on the ugly days it still finds a way to bring out some beauty. I want the stuff in the fairy tales, the stuff that hopes and dreams are made of. I want to spend my life cherishing a husband that cherishes me! I have unconditional love from my children, the love that is unwavering and undeniable, but I NEED that love that is just RAW and NATURAL. That love that just happens...it just one day is there without even realizing it, its crept up and pulled you into its whirlwind! THAT is what life is about!!!

We spend all of this time playing these games so that we don't get hurt or staying in relationships because we have made babies and "want to make it work". I have realized that if you can't be happy and have that love then it's not worth it. Staying in a relationship because of convenience is like sitting on death row. There is nothing to look forward to, there are no really good highs just a life of okay moments and mediocre memories. I want to have my best friend with me by my side when I experience a really good high not just the convenient person.

Blah I'm rambling, but I feel better!!

I don't really know where to start this so I'm just going to ramble I guess...

I just got home from seeing American Sniper and my heart literally aches. My stomach is unsettled and I feel so little. Everyday my only thought is "ok it's 'blank day' let's get through this and attempt to make it a good day. My worries consist of will I have enough money for daycare, the electric, rent, etc etc. I worry I'm not being the best mother to my kids because I am a single mother and we dont "have" things. Then I go see this movie...

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH ME???

ALL of my concerns and worries are superficial compared to those of our American soldiers. Many of them have to worry about Will they make it home, are they going to die today or be deployed or injured or called to duty.

I pathetically admit that I know NOTHING about our current events. I have absolutely no clue about what is going on with our military or in our country because I choose to stay blind to it. I know so many people that have fought for my freedom and the freedom and safety of my children and I dont even have the respect to pray for them nightly or even keep up with what is going on with our country. I am saddened by my own actions. I won't lay here typing this saying I am going to stay current with events and always know what is going on but I am going to make an effort to know more about what is happening.

I work in a nursing home taking care of many Veterans and dont think twice about it until Veteran's Day, Memorial Day, or Independence Day approaches. These men (there are only men veterans in our facility) fought with honor in major wars and I look at them everyday like they are just a regular Joe. The laid their lives on the line for me and my family and many other people so we could have simple lives where we only think about bills and dinner and what phone to buy. Half of them never hear a thank you or receive a huv or hand shake or pat on the back and that just tears me apart.

I couldn't imagine being the wife of Chris Kyle but I pray if I ever am in her shoes I handle myself like she does. What an honor it was to have been able to see the life of a soldier through film portrayed by a family with such raw, intimate moments. It's beyond eye opening and gut wrenching. My heart goes out to the Kyle family and every other family that has lost a member due to their service to our country. Thank you all so so much for everything you have done for our land and our freedom!